Right now, my life is awful, depression is slowly killing me. And I don’t see it getting any better in the near future. Maybe I will get everything I want and more, but would it be a true victory? would it be something I could enjoy completely? not to mention the fact I’ve seen other peoples lives and feel envious, even jealous even if there is minimal to no reason to be that way.
Frankly, I feel robbed of my best years and no matter how hard I try, I won’t get them back, and I find it hard to accept. I have tried so much to change my situation, I’ve put myself ‘out there’, I’ve gone to events, places where people who I might click with hang out in. But, I’ve not succeeded in finding people who I click with, others seem to manage it okay. Most often, I’ve been met with rejection, indifference. Is it me? is it them? I can never work it out, but I do know each rejection lowers my confidence significantly. I know the logical, non-depressive mind would say something along the lines of “if that person doesn’t want to be your friend, forget them”, but it’s easier said than done, especially if you come across a person and build them up to a stupidly high level, which I’ve been foolish enough to do with an individual I’ve never met lately, but came across on social media, naively thinking they would become a friend.
Naturally, it doesn’t help that I’m quite introverted and occasionally quite shy, but despite common misconceptions, us introverts aren’t people who want to be alone all the time, we value true friendships, people who ‘get’ us rather than shallow, meaningless connections.
Some will tell me a mere change of mindset will help me, which it might in hindsight, but the here and now, I just see a few good years at best, before having to compromise a little and/or finding myself back in this situation. I don’t want to pretend this isn’t happening or find things to be ‘grateful’ for or put myself in the shoes of somebody less fortunate. I want authentic happiness, rather having to settle for mediocrity or second best. Maybe mediocrity is a harsh word, but it’s how I feel.
I have never sought therapy or self-help groups, as I used to be able to cope by keeping busy, finding activities and projects to distract me, but eventually something had to give and whilst I still do all of them, they only provide temporary respite at best. Now, I must bite the bullet and seek actual help, whatever it takes for me to get my life back. But I fear it’s too late, the damage has already been done and can’t be reversed.