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The thoughts of a depression sufferer.

As above.

I had my first wellness session today.

I was expecting to write a few paragraphs on what it was like and what I might get out of it in the future. But I only have one word, underwhelming.

I knew miracles were not going to happen after one session, but I did expect to feel like some progress was made, but I don’t feel like any has been made. I feel like it was a waste of time.

I’m close to giving up on trying to improve my life.

It almost seems pointless. Most people my age want to settle down and stop living, if they’ve not already. They’re not interested in making a proper connection with a fellow human being, probably because they already have their friends for life. At best, if I made a friend now, I’d be that person they’d call up to go for a drink if they were massively desperate. But I’d be the acquaintance, the one who is not important. But I’d never know that person or group properly, I’d be on the fringes like I was when I had a group of people I socialised with. If I had a few close friends, I’d fine with, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I have none so it’s very demoralising.

Everyone else my age wants to date and find a serious relationship, I’ve been on two dates recently, and my heart wasn’t in either as dating in your twenties is close to torture. I just want some company with similar interests. Surely it’s not unrealistic to want? I don’t look forward to socialising in my thirties (it’s close), it’s talking about house prices with middle class frauds at a dinner party.

There’s only one person in this world I want to date, except I barely know her, dating website profile and instagram aside, but I know she’s the kind of person I want in every sense, and others would be a consolation prize at best. Oh, and she’s taken as well! I don’t see how things can genuinely improve from here. I’ve lost years of my life, and I could handle that if I was younger, but it’s not going to get better, not really. It’s all downhill. As the title say, I’m close to giving up, not quite there yet but it’s very close.

Current mood.

I feel like I’m in a daze, everything in the last few months has been a haze for the most part. I’ve been conscious but not ‘there’, I can’t take this purgatory anymore. Either I get ‘well’ soon or I remain this way forever.

Loneliness.

I’ve never had that one true friend. 27 years and I’ve not managed it once. At best I’ve had acquaintances, those who hang out with you purely you know one or two people in the same group, basically everything but a true connection.

As a person, I’m not demanding and fussy. Okay, that’s a lie, I am a little bit (aren’t we all?), but I don’t ask for a great deal in the grand scheme of things. If you’re a person who is happy to flip from the serious to the frivolous in a conversation, I’ll probably get along just fine with you. And honestly, liking sports and a beer or two won’t hurt your chances either. But I’ve never had the one connection I’ve wanted more than anything, and I fear time is running out for it to happen. I’ve tried everything without any luck.

I suppose you either become ultraindependent and don’t need anyone (at least so you say) or you become clingy and desperate to adapt for the people you want to befriend, and I’ve been guilty of both in the past. I accept in life you can’t and won’t please everyone, but when you’ve spent most of your life feeling lonely, logic goes out the window and you feel this need to be liked by everyone.

Despite all this, I would take crippling loneliness over something that is shallow and meaningless. I would rather be lonely for the reminder of my days than handle that again.

I’m hopefully starting therapy soon.

I wish I’d done it years ago though. It’s probably too late for any real benefits though. Too much time has passed, experiences become limited. My cards are marked and I’ll remain behind in life and won’t be able to catch up no matter how hard I try. Even with therapy, it’ll be baby steps at best. And I’ve no time or patience for baby steps.

The Weezer song, ‘The World Has Turned and Left Me Here’, that sums up how I feel and always will most likely.

Dealing with others problems.

Is it really so selfish? I want to empathise, listen, try to help etc, but it’s so hard when you’ve got problems of your own. I feel awful for even thinking this.

Weekends are the worst.

I see people out enjoying themselves and it brings out emotions of jealously, envy and more. I wish I was them, I wish I truly had the choices they have.

If I had a job, I would love the weekends, a chance to de-stress and relax. But I am unemployed so it’s a moot point. Okay, I volunteer two days a week, but it is  only for a few hours.

Tonight, I will probably read and drink a few beers. This would be fun if it wasn’t the same thing every weekend.

Depression, the silent killer.

Right now, my life is awful, depression is slowly killing me. And I don’t see it getting any better in the near future. Maybe I will get everything I want and more, but would it be a true victory? would it be something I could enjoy completely? not to mention the fact I’ve seen other peoples lives and feel envious, even jealous even if there is minimal to no reason to be that way.

Frankly, I feel robbed of my best years and no matter how hard I try, I won’t get them back, and I find it hard to accept. I have tried so much to change my situation, I’ve put myself ‘out there’, I’ve gone to events, places where people who I might click with hang out in. But, I’ve not succeeded in finding people who I click with, others seem to manage it okay. Most often, I’ve been met with rejection, indifference. Is it me? is it them? I can never work it out, but I do know each rejection lowers my confidence significantly. I know the logical, non-depressive mind would say something along the lines of “if that person doesn’t want to be your friend, forget them”, but it’s easier said than done, especially if you come across a person and build them up to a stupidly high level, which I’ve been foolish enough to do with an individual I’ve never met lately, but came across on social media, naively thinking they would become a friend.

Naturally, it doesn’t help that I’m quite introverted and occasionally quite shy, but despite common misconceptions, us introverts aren’t people who want to be alone all the time, we value true friendships, people who ‘get’ us rather than shallow, meaningless connections.

Some will tell me a mere change of mindset will help me, which it might in hindsight, but the here and now, I just see a few good years at best, before having to compromise a little and/or finding myself back in this situation. I don’t want to pretend this isn’t happening or find things to be ‘grateful’ for or put myself in the shoes of somebody less fortunate. I want authentic happiness, rather having to settle for mediocrity or second best. Maybe mediocrity is a harsh word, but it’s how I feel.

I have never sought therapy or self-help groups, as I used to be able to cope by keeping busy, finding activities and projects to distract me, but eventually something had to give and whilst I still do all of them, they only provide temporary respite at best. Now, I must bite the bullet and seek actual help, whatever it takes for me to get my life back. But I fear it’s too late, the damage has already been done and can’t be reversed.

 

 

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