This is likely to be a slightly rehashed version of my last writing, but oh well!
Right now, I’m feeling even more disillusioned. I’m tired of trying to improve my life, trying to be social, friendly and picking myself up time and time again. For what? second best as per usual?!
It doesn’t help that my interest is dating is minimal, at least dating to a semi-serious level, it seems like a prison sentence more or less, certainly for somebody like me who has been rejected constantly and lost out on so much in life, to find love like everyone else seems to is more of a consolation prize rather than something amazing. I don’t like saying that but it’s how I feel nonetheless.
For once, I want to have the fun everyone else had. It’s all well and good saying your 20s are hollow and meaningless, it might well be true but it usually comes from somebody who actually experienced it to the full, so it defeats the argument. I’m not even sure I see much point in attending munches and events, since most of the people on here, like the vanilla world have their friends for life now and their social circle is decreasing, when somebody like me would be the person they’d chat to if they were forced to rather than being somebody they actually like and respect and seem important to them. The kind of person they’d cross the street to avoid outside that scenario. What’s the point? I don’t want to merely a fucking acquaintance forever, that’s a load of bollocks. I want the fun social period, not the later life one which involves talking about mortgages and the bake off or something like dull like that. I want the late night chats about random bullshit that goes from the serious to the mundane at the flick of the switch, the kind that probably doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but bonds you with a human being that bit more. But alas, that chance has gone, it’s small talk forever now and conversations that feel like a hostage situation.
I don’t want to keep going on about how I missed out, but I missed out, it’s rare I’d meet somebody else who truly has without good reason. Sure, they might have felt lonely in those years, but with the greatest of respect, they had people around them most likely, if you feel lonely because they’re not simpatico, that’s hard for somebody like me to empathise with.
Long story short, depression sucks donkey balls.