As I’ve said before, I have never felt truly accepted in life, I’ve been rejected more times than I care to mention. It never gets any easier.

Of course, rejection is a part of life, everyone is at some stage, and most people have plenty of people who care about them to make up for it. But I can’t shrug it off that easily. Being socially accepted for the first time as an adult seems almost worthless to me, especially at the stage when most people have their close friends, a relationship, a career etc. At best, people might want a few casual types to occasionally hang out with when they want to escape the monotony and drudgery of adult life or when their own friends aren’t being social, the ‘backup’ option. Which in itself is perfectly fine, but when you’ve always been that option to people, it kills your self-esteem.

But I want more, I want to feel truly connected, truly close to someone, just merely getting along well enough isn’t quite enough for me. I want to feel an imitate, close, connection with another human being or a group. And before you say it, I am aware it doesn’t happen overnight, but it seems by your mid 20s, the majority have found that level of connection with a person or several people by now. They might be open to new people in their lives, but to me, the idea of meeting new people and being stuck at acquaintance level in their eyes forever doesn’t appeal, it would not cure my loneliness or make me feel better to a significant level.

I should probably accept this, maybe it’s some of kind of punishment for being an introvert. It’s hard to accept I’ll never be important to people. But hopefully I’ll be proven wrong, I really do.