For as long as I can remember, certainly all of my adult life anyway, I have never truly felt part of society, I’ve always felt disconnected, like an ‘outsider’ compared to other people. Sure, most people have problems and issues but they still manage to live ‘normal’ lives, even if it’s on the surface. And the worst part is I’ve missed out on the ‘best’ years because of this insecurity, alongside severe depression and anxiety, which no doubt has played it’s part in my feelings. I can easily count the number of people I consider to be friends in my life, and only one of them I consider myself to be close to and I’ve known her for a very short period of time, but when I had a reasonable amount of ‘friends’, I always felt out of place, never quite in the inner circle, always on the fringes (at best).

I genuinely believe the damage has been done and no matter how my remaining years are, I’ll never be the person I want to be. I’d love to feel truly secure enough to say “fuck society” or something along those lines, but I’d be amazed if I ever had the confidence to say it without it sounding like a mantra I merely repeat for the sake of it. As insecure as it sounds, I need to feel loved, respected, admired, envied, my self-esteem is that low, I need people around who truly care about me, but even then I’ll still feel inferior and like the ‘outsider’. It’s awful not being independent, I’ve spent years trying to feel the void with various hobbies and trying to find various communities, mostly without luck. Maybe one day…

Words used to come so easily to me, I could have wrote this fairly quickly in the past, but it’s taken me several hours just to type it even though the content has been inside my head for quite some time now. Even now I’m not completely content with it, I still feel like I’ve missed something out.

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