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The thoughts of a depression sufferer.

As above.

Belonging.

In my 28 years on this earth, I’ve never really felt like I’ve belonged, I’ve always been the outcast, the rejected one. I’ve never been part of any scene, I’ve never been important. The ‘weird’ one if you will.

I feel like everyone else has been, or if they’ve had similar feelings, they’ve been fortunate to give the illusion that they don’t, and by fortunate, I mean fortunate in my point of view.

At this point, I feel like that ship has sailed. Anxiety and depression have truly robbed me of this.

 

 

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Rejection.

The whole rejection thing has been getting to me more and more lately. I guess logically, I should be used to it and it shouldn’t affect me, but it really does and lately I’ve looked at people with more envy than normal, seeing them with their friends and enjoying their lives. Yeah, there might be on the surface than that, it could all be an illusion or exaggerated, but it’s hard to see it that way when you don’t have any friends or are in demand in some capacity. If you’ve read my previous posts, rejection and isolation are massive themes in my life.

All my adult life, I’ve overcompensated on social media, a place where more often than not, I’ve felt safe, like I can be myself, where people actually give me compliments and improve my self-worth and value. Okay, I’ve also had to deal with the negative side, but a negative comment on the internet is easier to brush off than an insult and rejection in real life, that hurts ten times more. Of course, I’ve not always made it easy, I’m extremely guarded, quite reserved and on occasion, that’s given people the wrong impression.

I was once naive to think things would just work out if I tried my best. As the years go by, the experiences I could have had fade away, the more it’ll hurt me, the more I’ll feel unworthy of everyone else, the more I’ll be less appealing to people.

Forever second best part 2.

This is likely to be a slightly rehashed version of my last writing, but oh well!

Right now, I’m feeling even more disillusioned. I’m tired of trying to improve my life, trying to be social, friendly and picking myself up time and time again. For what? second best as per usual?!

It doesn’t help that my interest is dating is minimal, at least dating to a semi-serious level, it seems like a prison sentence more or less, certainly for somebody like me who has been rejected constantly and lost out on so much in life, to find love like everyone else seems to is more of a consolation prize rather than something amazing. I don’t like saying that but it’s how I feel nonetheless.

For once, I want to have the fun everyone else had. It’s all well and good saying your 20s are hollow and meaningless, it might well be true but it usually comes from somebody who actually experienced it to the full, so it defeats the argument. I’m not even sure I see much point in attending munches and events, since most of the people on here, like the vanilla world have their friends for life now and their social circle is decreasing, when somebody like me would be the person they’d chat to if they were forced to rather than being somebody they actually like and respect and seem important to them. The kind of person they’d cross the street to avoid outside that scenario. What’s the point? I don’t want to merely a fucking acquaintance forever, that’s a load of bollocks. I want the fun social period, not the later life one which involves talking about mortgages and the bake off or something like dull like that. I want the late night chats about random bullshit that goes from the serious to the mundane at the flick of the switch, the kind that probably doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but bonds you with a human being that bit more. But alas, that chance has gone, it’s small talk forever now and conversations that feel like a hostage situation.

I don’t want to keep going on about how I missed out, but I missed out, it’s rare I’d meet somebody else who truly has without good reason. Sure, they might have felt lonely in those years, but with the greatest of respect, they had people around them most likely, if you feel lonely because they’re not simpatico, that’s hard for somebody like me to empathise with.

Long story short, depression sucks donkey balls.

Forever second best.

As I’ve said before, I have never felt truly accepted in life, I’ve been rejected more times than I care to mention. It never gets any easier.

Of course, rejection is a part of life, everyone is at some stage, and most people have plenty of people who care about them to make up for it. But I can’t shrug it off that easily. Being socially accepted for the first time as an adult seems almost worthless to me, especially at the stage when most people have their close friends, a relationship, a career etc. At best, people might want a few casual types to occasionally hang out with when they want to escape the monotony and drudgery of adult life or when their own friends aren’t being social, the ‘backup’ option. Which in itself is perfectly fine, but when you’ve always been that option to people, it kills your self-esteem.

But I want more, I want to feel truly connected, truly close to someone, just merely getting along well enough isn’t quite enough for me. I want to feel an imitate, close, connection with another human being or a group. And before you say it, I am aware it doesn’t happen overnight, but it seems by your mid 20s, the majority have found that level of connection with a person or several people by now. They might be open to new people in their lives, but to me, the idea of meeting new people and being stuck at acquaintance level in their eyes forever doesn’t appeal, it would not cure my loneliness or make me feel better to a significant level.

I should probably accept this, maybe it’s some of kind of punishment for being an introvert. It’s hard to accept I’ll never be important to people. But hopefully I’ll be proven wrong, I really do.

Panic attacks.

I’d call them the bane of my life, but that would be understating it to say the least. Each one is as terrifying as the first.

Today was particularly challenging in this respect, in recent years, more often that not, I’ve had them in the safe environment of my house or when I am around a group of people, not that it makes them better of course, but it does help me become calm again much quicker. I was travelling to an appointment in Manchester, it was nothing serious or anxiety provoking, it was a run of the mill one with limited to zero stress involved, yet my body felt strange, my chest was thumping, I felt nauseous, my legs felt heavy, my head was tingly, I was on a tram, there was no way out, at least not a way out that was immediate, like stepping into your garden at home for example. In the end, I had to get off several stops early and find the nearest place with a toilet to splash cold water on my face, which delayed my journey but it was necessary.

Thankfully, I’m better right now, I’ve had a beer (okay, maybe not the greatest solution) and the situation that probably triggered it has gone. I’m still a bit shaky,but the worst is over. For now…

2016.

I’ll start by saying good riddance 2016, it would not be an understatement when I say this was the worst year of my life. Losing a decent job, having moments of hope only to see them being snatched away, ‘friends’ disappearing, several depressive episodes, crippling loneliness, rejection and so on. So far from the optimism I felt on January 1st. Long story, another wasted year whilst I see others who at least on the surface, have an amazing life and have so many good things in their lives and have plenty to look forward to as well, it hurts me immensely.

But this challenging year hasn’t been all bad, well it has, but it has taught me a lot about myself, my strengths and weaknesses and most importantly, what I truly want, how I’m going to be from now on. In the past, I cared too much people about what people have thought of me to the point of severe insecurity, chances are that’ll remain, but significantly less in an ideal world.

I tend to explore the world more, explore my likes and desires more, not to mention trying to deal with my problems in an alternative way. And most of all, I’ll be doing it my way and my way only! I still feel I’ve lost so many good years, as much that hurts me, I must accept it but I want to at least attempt to catch up to the rest of society!

Chances are, 2017 will be another challenging year, but I’ve survived this year, I’ve lived to tell the tale. Now I intend to deal with 2017 head on.

Disconnected from society.

For as long as I can remember, certainly all of my adult life anyway, I have never truly felt part of society, I’ve always felt disconnected, like an ‘outsider’ compared to other people. Sure, most people have problems and issues but they still manage to live ‘normal’ lives, even if it’s on the surface. And the worst part is I’ve missed out on the ‘best’ years because of this insecurity, alongside severe depression and anxiety, which no doubt has played it’s part in my feelings. I can easily count the number of people I consider to be friends in my life, and only one of them I consider myself to be close to and I’ve known her for a very short period of time, but when I had a reasonable amount of ‘friends’, I always felt out of place, never quite in the inner circle, always on the fringes (at best).

I genuinely believe the damage has been done and no matter how my remaining years are, I’ll never be the person I want to be. I’d love to feel truly secure enough to say “fuck society” or something along those lines, but I’d be amazed if I ever had the confidence to say it without it sounding like a mantra I merely repeat for the sake of it. As insecure as it sounds, I need to feel loved, respected, admired, envied, my self-esteem is that low, I need people around who truly care about me, but even then I’ll still feel inferior and like the ‘outsider’. It’s awful not being independent, I’ve spent years trying to feel the void with various hobbies and trying to find various communities, mostly without luck. Maybe one day…

Words used to come so easily to me, I could have wrote this fairly quickly in the past, but it’s taken me several hours just to type it even though the content has been inside my head for quite some time now. Even now I’m not completely content with it, I still feel like I’ve missed something out.

I’m done with trying.

Loneliness has officially got the better of me. I have no friends now and probably won’t ever. Not truly as the best friendships are made in your youth, it’s a known fact of life.

The best years (18-25) are over. No matter what I’m coming from behind, and I won’t be caught up. That’s what is killing me the most, not being able to go back in life and make up the lost years everyone else was able to have. I’ll be always be inferior in comparison to everybody else.

The best years are over.

27 and on the scrapheap.

What a feeling(!)

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